I am… I shouldn’t be…

scared, hurting, numb, down, depressed. Broken. Broken is a good term I think. I can’t stop it. I can’t act like I am perfectly well when I don’t feel like all is well. Nothing is well. Everything is moving around me, and here I am- still broken.

Things are moving along with the house. Thanks to my wonderful parents & family members, it is starting to turn into our dream house. It really is nice to see a house turn into a home. I wonder if I will feel better when I am in a home of my own where I can run around and scream or lay on the couch and cry without explaining? I really don’t know.

My CPA exam on the other hand, really isn’t moving along. At this point I can’t study. I know that sounds weird or dumb or like I gave up- but I think it is more than that. I go to take the first part of the test on Thursday. It couldn’t come at a worse time in my life. I would say this is the worst my mental health has been since I can remember. I was more at peace when I had cancer than am I now. I can sit in one place for thirty minutes and not know why I am there. I sit on a chair and it feels like I am out of my body, watching, listening, but unable to move. I am trapped in my own mind. I can’t study. I am going to fail. I don’t even care. This was my dream. I wanted to be an accountant. I can’t even be bothered with it.

Therapy… It was a little weird. I don’t know how to talk about all of this. I kept saying that I SHOULD be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I SHOULD be content. I can honestly say there is nothing that I NEED. I should, I should, I should. Well of course the therapist pointed out that I continued to say that I should be, but I am not. Her response was to stop thinking about what I SHOULD be and just be okay with where I am. I have a severe illness and I can’t be happy or content right now but I need to be okay with that. Another thing she pointed out was that I kept saying, “I want to be better.” Her question to me was, “What is better?”. Well, hell, I don’t know… To stop barely surviving. To be able to cross a street without thinking that I wish a car would hit me. To be able to drive without having to talk my mind out of pulling out in front of a truck. To stop being broken. To feel again. To be better…. She doesn’t have an easy answer, but she isn’t scared of my state now. She asked what I knew about meditation. My response was exactly what you’d expect… nothing. She asked if I was willing to try it. I told her at this point, I am honestly willing to try anything. So on June 3rd, I will be meditating for the first time. I walked away from the experience feeling worse than I did when I showed up. I’m sure she didn’t mean for that to happen.


She told a story of taking a walk around town during lunch time and seeing how beautiful the world is right now. Everything is blossoming and blooming. The sun is out. It has been warm during the day, cool at night. She seemed happy- just talking about taking a 15 minute walk. I can’t even imagine. I walk outside and think about what I have to do next, and next after that, and next after that… and then eventually I will get to go to bed. I walked away with the mindset that I don’t have any feelings. My feelings are gone and I am just an empty shell. Going through the motions until I don’t have to anymore.


I am failing and falling. My work performance is leaving much to be desired. I can’t imagine what my parents and boyfriend and sister and family and friends feel like. I LOVE them. But I would rather be alone. In the dark.

We have a long way to go until I am “better”. I have to stop getting worse. I just don’t know how.




The start of another week…

So… We are buying a house. We will officially be home owners at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon. I sit for the first section of my CPA exam May 28th. Somewhere between those two things we will have all the rooms painted and moved in. I think to a lot of people that would be overwhelming. There are times where I think, “Whoa! We have a lot going on.”   But, honestly, that isn’t what is causing my depression or anxiety. My PCP asked me if I had stresses in my life that could be leading to increased depression or anxiety before he referred me to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. He said the top three reasons for depression are 1. Relationships 2. Finances and 3. Jobs. I can’t point to a time where I can say, that is the day I got depressed. It is from “…..”. I think that is completely different thing. I think a lot of people have situational depression or anxiety. Should they be medicated? I really don’t know. That’s why there are doctors. But, I really don’t think what I have could be situational. I mean, unless the last 11 years of my life have been one big situation.


Day 6 on Wellbutrin. Lots of people have commented that they think this medicine is really helping. I am acting a lot better. Maybe that is what it is… acting. Maybe I am better, but I don’t feel better. I still am having “passive suicidal thoughts” (PST from here on out) everyday, multiple times a day. I still wish that I could stay in bed all day every day. BUT my life is pretty crazy right now and I am trying to keep up.

My first therapy appointment is tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect or what they will want to talk about. I’ve only ever had a few other therapy sessions. None were very efficient. Apparently, “How do you feel about that?” and “How does that make you feel?” are key phrases. I’m not very good at answering them. It is weird, I think, that someone would WANT to go to college to learn how to listen to people’s problems and help them. I have a ton of respect for them, only because I couldn’t do it.


I’m getting distracted… Tomorrow is a big day. Therapy, buying a house… I’m more worried about therapy. What could they possibly say that I haven’t already hashed and rehashed in my mind for the last 11 years? I guess we will see…



The “team-approach”.

When the words “We need a team approach.” left my Primary Care Physician’s lips, I immediately felt discouraged.  I am too much for a general practitioner to handle….

I have been on and off depression medication since high-school. Some worked well, some did not work at all, and most started and also stopped working. I was on a cocktail of four anti-depression & anti-anxiety medications when I arrived at my doctor Friday.   If I could explain my daily emotions in one word- it would be numb.  There are times when bad things happen.  There are times when good things happen.  I don’t feel extra-bad or extra-good (are those even words?) at those times. I just feel…numb.

My doctor referred me to a “Behavioral Health Center” for our team approach to my mental health.  Originally, they couldn’t get me in until the middle of July.  The wonderful people at my PCP office recognized that wasn’t soon enough. After a few phone calls, I had an appointment today.

Going to your first psychiatrist appointment is very intimidating.  I imagined a padded room, or maybe a few couches like you see on the movies. There was just a desk and two chairs- just me and a guy named Rich.  I had been nervous about this appointment since I found out about it.  What if I am honest and they send me to an institution?  What if I am not honest and they incorrectly diagnose me?  As soon as Rich started talking, my fears subsided.  He knew exactly what I was talking about.  It was like talking to an electrician about wiring or an accountant about taxes.  And then I had a diagnosis…


I have Major Depressive Disorder with anxiety and passive suicidal thoughts.  So what does that mean?  Where do we go from here?  Well, first we will stabilize my mental status with medication, and I will start therapy next week.  We are not removing any medication that I am currently on until we see how I react to my new medication and therapy.

You might be asking yourself what a “passive suicidal thought” is.  I never knew either.  It is the where-with-all to know that you don’t want to harm yourself or others, but the thoughts that you would be okay with not being present on the Earth anymore.  This is something that I have struggled with for a long time.  Heaven is going to be such an awesome place and a lot of the time I am just ready to be there.  I am tired of living on this planet and suffering.

As a somewhat new Christian, I don’t really know what that means for me.  The bible says that I should “Rejoice in the Lord, always” (Philippians 4:4).  What if I can’t rejoice?  The bible says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; don’t rely on your own intelligence. Know him in all your paths, and he will keep your ways straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) I know that God has a plan for me.  I know that the Holy Spirit is guiding me. I know that I have more than I need to survive. But, I am barely hanging on.  This is going to be a topic for future discussion.  I’m not there yet.

I start my new medicine tomorrow.  I start therapy next week.  I have no idea how this blog will turn out.  I want a place to turn to get some of these thoughts out of my head and onto “paper”.  I want someone else struggling to know that they are not alone in this journey.  I want to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come.

Time will tell.