scared, hurting, numb, down, depressed. Broken. Broken is a good term I think. I can’t stop it. I can’t act like I am perfectly well when I don’t feel like all is well. Nothing is well. Everything is moving around me, and here I am- still broken.
Things are moving along with the house. Thanks to my wonderful parents & family members, it is starting to turn into our dream house. It really is nice to see a house turn into a home. I wonder if I will feel better when I am in a home of my own where I can run around and scream or lay on the couch and cry without explaining? I really don’t know.
My CPA exam on the other hand, really isn’t moving along. At this point I can’t study. I know that sounds weird or dumb or like I gave up- but I think it is more than that. I go to take the first part of the test on Thursday. It couldn’t come at a worse time in my life. I would say this is the worst my mental health has been since I can remember. I was more at peace when I had cancer than am I now. I can sit in one place for thirty minutes and not know why I am there. I sit on a chair and it feels like I am out of my body, watching, listening, but unable to move. I am trapped in my own mind. I can’t study. I am going to fail. I don’t even care. This was my dream. I wanted to be an accountant. I can’t even be bothered with it.
Therapy… It was a little weird. I don’t know how to talk about all of this. I kept saying that I SHOULD be happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I SHOULD be content. I can honestly say there is nothing that I NEED. I should, I should, I should. Well of course the therapist pointed out that I continued to say that I should be, but I am not. Her response was to stop thinking about what I SHOULD be and just be okay with where I am. I have a severe illness and I can’t be happy or content right now but I need to be okay with that. Another thing she pointed out was that I kept saying, “I want to be better.” Her question to me was, “What is better?”. Well, hell, I don’t know… To stop barely surviving. To be able to cross a street without thinking that I wish a car would hit me. To be able to drive without having to talk my mind out of pulling out in front of a truck. To stop being broken. To feel again. To be better…. She doesn’t have an easy answer, but she isn’t scared of my state now. She asked what I knew about meditation. My response was exactly what you’d expect… nothing. She asked if I was willing to try it. I told her at this point, I am honestly willing to try anything. So on June 3rd, I will be meditating for the first time. I walked away from the experience feeling worse than I did when I showed up. I’m sure she didn’t mean for that to happen.
She told a story of taking a walk around town during lunch time and seeing how beautiful the world is right now. Everything is blossoming and blooming. The sun is out. It has been warm during the day, cool at night. She seemed happy- just talking about taking a 15 minute walk. I can’t even imagine. I walk outside and think about what I have to do next, and next after that, and next after that… and then eventually I will get to go to bed. I walked away with the mindset that I don’t have any feelings. My feelings are gone and I am just an empty shell. Going through the motions until I don’t have to anymore.
I am failing and falling. My work performance is leaving much to be desired. I can’t imagine what my parents and boyfriend and sister and family and friends feel like. I LOVE them. But I would rather be alone. In the dark.
We have a long way to go until I am “better”. I have to stop getting worse. I just don’t know how.